Today I woke up feeling heavy. Feeling sadness. Feeling grief in my mind, my heart, and my body. Feeling like any practice of self compassion was too hard when I have not been able to be or exercise outside for almost a week due to smoke from wildfires throughout the West Coast (and count me lucky that I have shelter). Feeling that the work of social justice is too slow.
I read testimonials from ex-Everlane employees of color last night. The way they were treated was so obviously bad, but also so acute in some ways. Of course their experiences are not about my white-guilt, nor are they about illuminating my own experiences as a WOC. But, that didn’t stop me from fearing that I’ll never be able to unlearn + educate + practice my way out of the lessons of systemic racism that I’ve acquired in my 33 years of living. Nor the ways it shows up in individual acts from micro to straight up aggression. It made me worry about being a ‘cog’ in a capitalist machine thinking that ‘slowing down’ to reflect and practice intention is enough to break the machine. It is and mostly it isn’t.
These feelings are in contrast. Generally, I feel like someone who is able to hold ‘conflicting’ truth and complexity. That I can see + feel + be part of the co-creation of a new way of being in this world that envisions different systems that are set up on solidarity, active-listening, collaboration, KINDNESS + EMPATHY that we are all living + trying AND it is HARD sometimes, but it is also GOOD.
But, today I feel like its not enough and I’m not enough (and not in the angry action-oriented way that propels me towards something. Instead, a quiet sadness that sits at the pit of my stomach letting me know – everything is not okay).
I am sharing because this is a part of being human. Because this is how I feel at one moment in time. Because we feel things and that is okay to embrace + acknowledge + sit with + share + discuss + let be.